Never Coming Back to Louisiana

87.

There weren't gators. Gilbert took solace in that. The swamp was gator free. But there was a large Weado, a creature he'd read the name of but did not appreciate the horror of until its ropey tendrils were laid in front of him. The song was like a concert reverberating off of everything deafening in its cacophony.

"The death man comes." The voice spoke in song in an aggravating way to Gilbert. Like a beatnick poet of stereotypes.

"You feed on people, and I'm the death man, sure." Gilbert couldn't tell where the creature was, mainly based in to shoot it. He figured enough bullets and he'd kill it, but it was one of those questions lore was empty on as no one had actually killed a Weado before.

"Working for the fallen, you will not win." It lashed a tentacle at Gilbert, but the size of the thing meant it was too slow, far too slow for Gilbert and the .45. He fired one time and the tentacle shriveled like a plant caught in the sun. Subsequent rounds on the rest of the tentacles he could see and the song was twisted and broken, the Weado's voice went to a wail of screams. It emerged from the muck its true form like that of a woman that had mated with a particularly large venus fly trap. Gilbert reloaded and filled it full of bullets and the sound stopped. The creature just oozed in the swamp.

"Well played I hate that sound." The devil didn't so much as stand on the water as hover above it, Gilbert hated him for that as he could feel with each splorching step.

"That why it was on your list?"

"Yes, just offended me, there are others mind you, but I figure air travel with a devil enhanced hand gun is frowned up on in these elevated times, so I picked one local."

"That's all this list is, things that bother you?"

"No and you aren't going to suss it out of me by being nosey, just like your assistant wasn't able to, lovely girl, shame you'll get her killed or maimed or whatever else happens to people like you." Gilbert looked at the devil cross.

"Don't you have something to do?"

"I do, and I'm doing it, I'm doing three million things at this very moment, but unlike primitives like yourself I can do those things and still find time to annoy you. Oh by the way everyone this creature touched just died, so you might want to leave Louisiana with a little bit of hustle."

"Thanks for that, you could have just not told me and then when the police arrested me come and gloated."

"You're working for me, you get tipped off, just like I know there is a road block being set up west, I'd recommend you go east, besides you need to go east anyway, next on the list is in florida, careful weather report looks like hurricane."

"Thanks." The devil was already gone before the words left Gilbert's lips. He sighed and tried to think of the roads to Florida and how much he hated Hurricanes.

Weadon't Do That

86.

"It sings to you at first." The little person's name was Robert, Gilbert had asked what he preferred to be called and he said Robert, not Robbie or Rob but Robert, "Just a tune on the wind, you almost think you're just putting method to ocean sounds, but the longer you hear it, the more the song comes to you, the more the song draws you to it." The sun had gone down, but the heat remained, Gilbert felt himself sweating even with the air conditioning on high.

"And that's how it gets you?"

"That's how it gets its helpers, people who start to make sure it feeds, make sure its insulated, this town used to be a nice normal place, full of unsaid bigotries, now all these people do is feed the Weado, they meet with it nightly."

"But not you?" Robert smiled.

"Still think I'm setting you up?"

"You said it needs food, I'm a nice chunk of dark meat."

"I'm not considered good enough to be a helper, it was devastating the creature that sings people to their doom is biased against short people."

"And you aren't big enough for a snack?"

"Not yet, Louisiana is full of good large people for it to eat, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried, so how do you plan on killing it?" Gilbert didn't trust Robert, he was saying the right things and being nice enough, but Gilbert also knew liars switch tracks to lie to you in a way they think you'll bite on more.

"Poison, I got some stuff that I just need to get in the pool with the creature. I got shit that can kill anything really."

"Anything?"

"Well anything except sugar ants, those bastards come back from pretty much anything, believe me I've tried things off the regular and nothing kills them for good, don't believe the shit you hear about borax, that's a lie spread by the ants, they love borax." Robert didn't laugh, didn't register it, Gilbert knew he was being set up, he slammed on the breaks and drew out one of the .45's.

"What the fuck is this?"

"I believe in politics this is called preemptive defense, get out of my van."

"You going crazy on me Gilbert?" Robert got out of the van and Gilbert noticed his directions had lead him directly in the middle of nowhere, just a road and swamp. Gilbert shot him three times, the green blood eruptions told him he had guessed properly. He heard a scream in the distance, it broke him out of a lull he hadn't realized he'd fallen into. In a way it reminded him of the forest's song. He went to the van and got some waders out, he hoped against hope there were gators in the water, and started moving towards the song.

Down on the Bayou

85.

It was over a hundred and Gilbert wished his van was a refrigerator. It was hotter than he'd been in a long time and he hadn't even gotten out of the van. He looked outside and swore he saw heat waves coming from the heat waves. The bait and tackle store he was parked in most certainly didn't have a very good ac system and Gilbert already dreaded the short walk inside. When he opened the door he felt the wave of heat and humidity hit him and sighed, it was going to be a long day.

"Help you with something?" Gilbert wasn't even fully into the bait shop when the grey haired missing toothed guy behind the counter asked after him.

"I'm looking for something strange." Gilbert had made the plea at four other local bait shops, he was already ready for the usual.

"Poaching's illegal, and I want you to know I won't support it."

"Do I look like a poacher to you?"

"You look lost honestly Mister." The inherent racism in the lost wasn't lost on Gilbert he'd dealt with it in every rural community he found himself in.

"I am lost, but I'm also looking for something, you ever hear of a Weado?" It was like the non existent cold found itself into the bait shop. The old man staring slack jawed to be disrespectful, closed his mouth and looked around like the very name could summon the creature.

"I think you should leave."

"You've seen it."

"Now, just leave now."

"I'm here to kill it you see." The man got out from behind the counter and he was armed, Gilbert had run into similar issues earlier and he hoped someone in the swamp would finally just give up the ghost. Unfortunately the influence of the Weado was too strong, he saw that now. He left and went out in the heat and humidity almost expecting a group of the creatures followers waiting for him, but the only person there was a midget, or dwarf Gilbert forgot what people who suffered from the condition called themselves.

"You're looking for the Weado?" Gilbert was hesitant, the information Clarissa had given about them mentioned they were sneaky and often would use misdirection to lead people to their doom.

"Nah I'm a poacher hoping to hire out for someone who can hoist a gator and keep their mouth shut." The midget smiled.

"You think I'm working with it?" Gilbert went to get into his van.

"Almost assuredly."

"Is there anyway I could convince you I'm not?"

"Take me to it."

"Deal." Gilbert suspected the small person was telling the truth, but even if he wasn't, if he took him to the Weado he could get the hell out of the bayou and into a climate not designed by Satan.

The Breaker

84.

"It's cute you think you could keep a secret from me of all creatures." Demurra had arrived with some balm to help Clarissa with her arm. She said it would help with the sling itching, something that Clarissa had started to have trouble with that morning.

"Do you ever wish you could turn it off?"

"Every day, its just one of those things where you'd wish to not know what everyone who sees you thinks or feels toward you, its personally draining living life looking like I do hearing the honest thoughts of everyone, if I hadn't been a demon I'd probably go back to being one."

"Ok so I hate to be that person..."

"But Gilbert made a deal with the devil and you want to know how to get out of it, I have no idea really."

"But you were a demon."

"Different ball of wax being a demon and being the boss."

"Oh the fallen still thinks of me as the boss that's sweet." The devil himself had arrived, dressed in a fancy suit and with a little name tag that said 'hello my name is Lucifer'. Clarissa pulled a revolver out from a side holster Gilbert had showed her once.

"Stay back Satan."

"Cute, like anything in that gun could do any harm to me, but I do love the effort, sit." Clarissa didn't want to sit, but was horrified at the devil's mentioning it, she was compelled to.

"This doesn't concern you fallen." And with a wave of his hand Demurra was gone. "She seems nice, though you have to always wonder if the feelings are genuine or if its just the hunger."

"What do you want?"

"To explain my side of this, apparently you and Gilbert are mistaken in my goals and this hurts me I thought Gilbert and I had a nice conversation. Also to reiterate if you break our deal you'll wish getting thrown into hell was the least of the things I can do to you." He said it with a smile, but the malice in the words made it clear Lucifer did not think he should be fucked with ever.

"That clears it up."

"I hope so, it was pleasant to meet you Clarissa, shame about the arm, but exterminating business is dangerous, maybe too dangerous for you," He smiled and went towards the door, "Maybe it would be best if you quit while you're behind." The devil left and Clarissa waited to see if he'd return briefly, and then called Gilbert.

"So you're fucked."

"This I was already aware of, I take it Demurra didn't have anything good to say."

"The devil himself, showed up told me not to touch the deal or he'll do bad things to us."

"Classic devil."

"Yeah he also gave me an ominous warning that I should quit while I'm behind."

"You get that a lot too, I mean I understand if you want to, but so many times witches, fortune tellers, oddly prescient grave stones, have told me I should just hang it up, but you know I'm still here."

"This is the new normal I guess."

"That's a good way of looking at it, so speaking of new normal, I need you to look up where you find a Weado."

"Someone who likes japanese anime?"

"That would be a weaboo, now Weadoo, w e a d o, its a water spirit and next on the list."

"Looks like swamps, and a quick google search pulls up louisiana as having a lot sightings."

"Fantastic, I wanted to feel like I didn't have enough deoderant on my balls."

"Gross."

Light Work

83.

"Well they're dead, or I should say redead, its always one of those things with undead things, are they really dead or were they ever really alive?" Gilbert's original target was a singular thing, but by the time he was done there were well over forty of the things dead near him. He had been on the phone with Clarissa, she was providing tactical assistance looking up the schematics of the old school he'd found his targets in. It reminded him of being in the army and it was comforting to an extent even if it only happened because Clarissa was badly hurt.

"So that's two more off the list this week, keep going like this and the devil will own your soul by the end of the month." Gilbert chuckled, he and Clarissa both figured the Devil was setting up to screw him over, but a job was a job even if it was with the lord of lies.

"That's something else I need you to look up now that you're getting better at working the keyboard with one hand."

"Like a thirteen year old boy with his first computer in his room."

"Gross, accurate, but gross."

"What do you need?"

"Deals with the devil and how to get out of them."

"Oh important stuff, I can always ask our resident former Demon."

"Was planning on it, just don't tell Doris she'll throw a fit, does she know you broke your arm?"

"She knows I got hurt and I'm taking time off." Gilbert chuckled again.

"Well you might want to tell her the broken arm thing before the 'how do you get out of a deal with the devil?' thing, just like speaking from personal experience."

"I'll keep that in mind." Clarissa hung up and Gilbert chuckled again to himself. He was thankful with the kind of goo and guts he was standing in he had put vaseline under his nose, he was sure it smelled terrible. Gilbert was outside eyes adjusting from the difference in light when he was hit with the spot light.

"Mr. Dunkley." It was a confident voice, one that spoke of getting what it wanted. Gilbert couldn't see, but he could figure what was waiting for him, he calmly reloaded one of the .45's.

"Be with you guys in a minute."

"Do you really think bullets can stop us Mr. Dunkley?" Gilbert racked the slide and took aim at the light.

"Sure, I mean it's all in the proper application of said bullets." He fired at the light and the night once again took over the front of the run down school.

In The Dark Everything Hears You Scream

82.

She could hear the breathing first, a wounded rasp like a ten pack a day smoker towards the end. She knew the wolf wasn't hurt though, she'd tried, but had failed and now it was hunting her in the dark. Gilbert was somewhere down there with her as well, but the storm drain system they were in amplifie sound in a way that he sounded like he was everywhere. Same with the wolf, she couldn't tell if it was next to her, or a good distance away.

Clarissa's left arm was broken, the creature had lashed out at her in the dark before she could draw a shot on it and the blow had been devastating. The arm hurt when she breathed, it hurt when she moved, it just hurt. She found herself wishing she'd just gone homeless instead of being an exterminator, at least in homelessness she wouldn't find herself hurt and hunted in some drainage tubes near the Columbia.

"I can smell you." The wolf's voice was slimy like a used car salesman. "You think if you don't talk I can't find you, but I can. Your partner is lost and I know exactly where you are, I'm playing with you, the taste of your fear is delicious. What you idiots thought coming after me is beyond me, I'll enjoy ripping it from your flesh.

"And I'll enjoy mounting your corpse above the fire place you piece of shit." Clarissa didn't have much left, her arm hurt and the wolf probably wasn't lying in that it knew where she was, but she hoped Gilbert too knew where it was and was just laying a trap for it. It's all she had in the limited light she could see in the drainage tubes.

"There there let it all out girl, soon you'll be screaming in pain as I eat your intestines." She heard a splash behind her and spun with her good arm an almost stabbed Gilbert in the chest, thankfully he caught her hand before she could stab him. He put a finger to his lips and indicated she keep talking, by twirling it in a circle.

"So do you want to be mounted like you're leaping forward or would you prefer the head up your ass option? I'm good either way."

"Such false confidence, I don't even know what you expected to do with your little bow and arrow, neither you nor your boss can kill me, it's rather insulting."

"And yet your hiding in the dark like a little scared puppy. I think you are afraid of us, instead of just killing us, you ran into here, terrified we were going to kill you, what did you do to piss the devil off anyway? Piss on his rug like a disobedient dog?" The sound of splashing and the raspy breathing came from all around Clarissa until she saw the skin wolf, its horrifying human not human wolf form bearing down on her. She crouched like it would do anything and then Gilbert fired, the devil's .45 was loud, way louder than any gun she'd ever heard fired, especially in the confined space of the drainage tube. The wolf looked confused as the bullets hit it and took large chunks out of its flesh. It landed not too far from her feet.

"What is that?"

"It's called a pistol, it fires bullets." Gilbert fired two more shots into the skin wolf's head.

"One off our list." Clarissa felt cold, from her remembering first aid, it meant she was going into shock.

"Right, good lord you look terrible, we need to get you a doctor and fast."

"No I'm good you know one armed exterminator in a devil hitlist contest."

"Yep probably a concussion along with that arm, come on."

The Devils You Know

81.

"I don't see how that was any of your business." Gilbert had been in the office for less than ten minutes when Doris and Clarissa arrived yelling at each other. He sighed, he had been looking at the list of things the Devil wanted and even with the pistols it wouldn't be easy. Nothing ever was in the business, but this felt even more daunting than usual.

"Its nice to see you two as well."

"Gilbert she went on a date with a demon!" Doris was red in the face, Clarissa looked equally angry.

"You did Clarissa? Demurra I assume?"

"It wasn't a date even! We just had a beer after we were on a jo... joking good time..." Gilbert gave her a stern look.

"A job you took a job while I was gone after I specifically said not to."

"She was on a date with a demon Gilbert I don't think the stupid job is all that important." Doris held herself a bit higher Gilbert could see the old Elf upbringing coming through.

"Demurra's an ex demon, and I doubt anything serious happens, she's all talk, I mean I dated a lizard girl for a while, it was weird but not un welcome, and you're being a bit of a racist here Doris."

"How dare you Gilbert how dare the both of you, I'm going home for the day!" Doris gathered her things up and left, Gilbert looked at Clarissa and shrugged.

"So how was Japan?"

"Sufficiently Japanese, how was your date?"

"It wasn't a date."

"Did you two have dinner and small talk?"

"Yes..."

"It was a date." Clarissa got red in the face and Gilbert smiled.

"Man now I feel like a jerk for yelling at Doris."

"Kind of glad you got her out of here so I could discuss our new client."

"Oh you met one in Japan?"

"Yeah, the Devil." Clarissa stammered a bit.

"Like the Devil the Devil or just like a Devil."

"Lucifer himself, seems our problem is his problem and he's willing to pay to get rid of it."

"You know last year this would have seemed weird, but now I'm kind of weirdly excited?"

"We'll make an exterminator out of you yet."

"So what's our first job for our lord Satan?"

"You ever hear of a Skin Wolf?" Clarissa had not, and two days later she'd wished Gilbert hadn't ever taken the Devil's work.