Friday, December 14, 2018

Underestimated Again





Gilbert looked went over the number in his head, it had been a very busy day indeed. The air smelled like sulfur and gun powder. Gilbert had actually had to use some of the weirder demon exorcism rituals he knew after he ran out of bullets. He was pretty much out of just about everything. All he had left was a pen and some invoices, so he sat down and started to add up all the stuff he'd done in the church. Gilbert started chuckling to himself amidst the demon carnage.

"What are you doing?" The last demon would have been scary to Gilbert if he hadn't literally killed/banished over a hundred of them already. It was a body made of different piece of flesh and its face was a mishappen mix of several peoples, grotesque like a picasso.

"Math right now, almost finished, we take cash check or charge, though only visa or mastercard, amex and discover are not welcome."


"Look you guys had a hell of a demon problem, but with some fire recovery and some beam support you could probably get this church up and running again, I mean the location is shit, but eh its Idaho everything sucks here." Gilbert stood up and handed the flesh demon his bill.

"Are you joking? Ten thousand dollars?"

"Gave you a discount even, could have charged more." The demon looked genuinely offended at the amount.

"I'm not going to pay this, like frankly you're kind of a dick no one invited you in here, nor did we agree to this extermination, you just showed up and started killing people, and yes its killing were demons but we're sentient you monster."

"If you want we can take this to litigation."

"Right yeah sure the american court system is going to give a demon a break, bullshit, look just get out of here you jerk." Gilbert didn't hesitate to get out of the church's basement. He sprinted out of the building just as the demon must have read the back of the bill and realized Gilbert had put an exorcism ritual there.

"YOU'LL BURN DUNKLEY!" The creature shouted as the church building itself collapsed on itself. Gilbert walked calmly to his van and left, making note to give a real bill to Timms later.


"So my parents have effectively disowned me." Clarissa was crestfallen at home, Gilbert had barely gotten into the door when she loudly started to inform him of her disastrous Thanksgiving. Gilbert was going to say something about how he had just gotten home, and he wanted to shower, but he could tell the optimal thing would be to listen and empathize even when he just direly wanted not to.

"Oh it went badly?"

"Badly? Oh god it was worse than bad first my dad..."

Friday, December 7, 2018

The Depths of Belief






Gilbert sat beside the door. He'd knocked several times hoping someone would answer and explain why he was here. But no one was coming, no one was answering and his desire to remain was wavering. Gilbert was about to turn away when the door opened. There was no one behind it of course, but whatever was in the church was letting Gilbert inside.

"Today is going to be a bad day." Gilbert looked once more outside and then stepped in. The doors slamming behind him made him sigh to himself. The church's interior was all torched, people's scorched skeletal bodies rested in the pews. Gilbert took out some salt and drew a line from the door as he went, a safe space he could jump behind against what was inhabiting the church. Gilbert could feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. He had the double barrel shotgun readied, a mixed load of ammunition in the chambers based on what he felt may be inside.

Past the pews and the pulpit where a preacher apparently appeared to have burnt to death during a sermon was a basement. Gilbert cursed. He knew this is where he had to go, knew it and didn't want to go down stairs.As he sat there looking her heard a laugh, a rumbling strike of thunder of a laugh. Like someone who had just heard the funniest joke in the world just laughing and laughing.

"What amuses you demon?"

"You do with your salt and your piety Exterminator." Flames walked up from the deep, a man like form coated in them stomping up the stairs each foot step echoed in the church and reverberated on the walls.

"Behold the mighty demon locked away in a rural church in Idaho."

"This is my prison, but you are not my jailor, you are my savior. I can not walk out of here like this, but in your flesh? In your flesh I can be free." He reached the top of the stairs with a grin. The demon's face was burnt flesh and blackened teeth, the remains of whoever was the poor soul who summoned him in the first place. Gilbert opened fire with one barrel, it caught the demon in his left shoulder and tore it apart, the left arm hung dangling. The demon's grin disappeared, replaced with a snarl.

"Oh not quite so happy are we demon? I hope there's more of you in here or this job is going to be too easy." Gilbert popped open the breach on his shotgun and loaded two more shells into it, "Must have been a demon of dumb assery." The demon howled but the shotgun roared and that was the end of it. Gilbert emptied some more salt on its remains and muttered a prayer to the lord even though he personally never felt that part was worth a damn.

He knew there were more though, the one demon was just an entry point for the rest, like someone who opened the door, the basement which now blazed before him confirmed this. Gilbert sighed to himself and reloaded the shotgun, it was going to be a very very long day.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Take Me to Church


"No Clarence." Gilbert was alone in the office, Clarissa had gone home for thanksgiving trying to work things out with her family or so she claimed. Gilbert knew that was bullshit thought, since she was bringing a literal succubus to dinner to shove it in her families face how far she was gone, but who was he to get in the way of her family squabbles. Timms had called not too long after he'd gotten in and read the note from Doris that she too was going home for the holidays despite Elves not actually celebrating any holiday during winter he was aware of.

"You didn't even hear me out."

"I didn't need to, I heard your voice that's all I need."

"Come on Gil don't act like you don't owe me." Gilbert wanted to huff about all the things he's done for Timms over the years and how the balance is in his favor more so than Timms, but he knew from past conversations that never ever worked out.

"What do you want?" The resignation set in, the resignation that Gilbert was going to do whatever Timms needed whether he wanted to or not.

"There's a church in Idaho."

"Lots of church's in Idaho reverend."

"This one's special all isolated up near the tip, something funny going on there."

"Funny ha ha or?"

"Funny awful."

"And you know about this?"

"I got an ear to the ground where I'm at, I'll text you the address, but I have to go Gil, talk later." Gilbert knew they wouldn't talk later, they never did. Clarence would just drop this kind of garbage on Gilbert probably with some knowledge brought to him by a demon and then Gilbert would have to deal with it. It was a pattern Gilbert had gotten used to in a sad sort of way. He gathered his "Timms" set of gear, mostly holy artifacts and bullets and walked out to the van. He'd have left a note for Clarissa and Doris, but he knew he'd be the first one back anyway, and so the note was a waste of time.


Gilbert checked the address twice to make sure Timms or his GPS had not lead him astray. To his dismay it was correct. He had been traveling down a mostly gravel road up until he got to a small dirt road. None of this said place that Gilbert wanted to go, but he had grudgingly agreed to Timms request and driven out to butt fuck no where Idaho and so he was all in for the duration. Traveling up the road as it winded around dead trees and muddy unkempt roads eventually lead to a run down church more rotting than standing and a parking lot full of rusted cars.

"Fucking Timms." Gilbert muttered as he got out of the van. He had figured maybe he was being called in as a favor to an uptight clergyman who had heard something in the basement that just loose pipes. But no this was some ancient portal of evil long discarded and avoided and he had blithely driven up without paying heed to any of the clear "stay away" warning signs. This is where Gilbert missed Clarissa most, she was a nice grounded view point into not doing stupid things, but she wasn't at the church and Gilbert knew once he was here he couldn't leave until the job was done. So he steeled himself, gathered up his supplies including extra flash light batteries and then knocked on the door to the church.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Revenge of the WereTurkeys


"Ok you were right turkeys are scary." The cook and waitress were dead, Gilbert and Clarissa had barricaded the windows with furniture to stem the Turkey horde. Gilbert had managed to get some weapons from his van, but both he and Clarissa felt they had ultimately too little versus the turkey's too many.

"So what do we have versus the turkey horde?" Gilbert didn't like their chances, it was late at night, they were at an isolated truck stop diner and the turkeys had some how planned their way to the ambush he and Clarissa found himself in.

"Well I have eight arrows, you managed to snag a box of shotgun shells and the double barrel and I believe I picked up a pistol magazine without a pistol to put it into." Gilbert shook his head, somewhere outside the restaurant the turkeys gobbled at each other.

"Its nice to be fucked, especially by turkeys, I'm sure in some Karma for extravagant thanksgiving celebrations sort of way."

"We aren't getting stuffed, not today, not ever, hold down the front Gilbert I'm going to go look in the back for something." Clarissa had no idea what she was looking for, or what a greasy spoon in the middle of nowhere could have that would stop a wereturkey army, but she was determined to find it. The kitchen was horrifying when Clarissa entered it. More so for how unclean it was, she immediately regretted everything she'd eaten earlier.

"Going to need that plan fast, the turkey's have gone quiet, pretty sure they're planning something." Clarissa laughed to herself as the idea of being afraid of turkeys was funny up until an hour before.

"I got something but you're not going to like it."

"Bring it out."

Clarissa wheeled out the fryers from in the back, Gilbert could see the caked on crumbs and blackened remains of many many fried foods, but was confused why Clarissa thought they would help.

"Before you ask, no we're not going to get them to get to jump in the fryer, we're going to cook them another way."

"Grease fire, smart."

"It burns hot right?"

"Real hot, so lure them in and then torch it? Sneak out the back?"

"Better than our current plan of just waiting to die right."

"Right." Gilbert smiled at the cleverness of the plan. It could just as easily fail, but so could a lot of things.

They coated the floors in the grease, making sure to keep up the illusion to the turkeys they weren't planning on cooking them alive. Clarissa had taken some of the spare ammunition from one of the pistol magazines and gotten the powder out of it to put on her arrow, she figured it was the safest way to set the restaurant on fire, if there was such a thing. They had coated the front area in grease, the floors glistened unnaturally and were super slick, Clarissa already fell on her butt once just trying to get to the back.

"So we're just going to wait for?" Clarissa didn't know how to open the doors, her and Gilbert had disagreed on what they should do. Gilbert's plan was to wait, the turkeys had a plan to get in and he knew if they tried to open the door up to them it would make it obvious it was a trap. Clarissa thought this was stupid and the longer they waited the less they'd get all the turkeys at once. Before Gilbert could answer her question the roof caved in, hundreds of murderous turkeys covered the ruined floor. Clarissa lit the arrow and let it fly, she worried for a moment while it was in the air the ruined roof would stop the floor from catching fire, but as soon as the arrow hit the ground the floor went as did the rest of the restaurant.

Gilbert and Clarissa quickly left the building through a back entrance. Inside the were turkey's were howling as they burned. The alpha turkey saw his plan fail and slinked off during the fire, vowing revenge once again on Gilbert. Though neither Clarissa or Gilbert knew this, and still to this day are unaware of it beyond "remember that time we cooked turkeys in rural washington".


"Were turkeys?"

"Yes Sheriff." The fire department arrived a half hour in, the sheriff a guy that Gilbert had talked to once or twice but could not remember if he was friendly with had followed shortly after that.

"Explains the smell, like my wifes thanksgiving, all burnt and awful I hate turkey you see."

"Coming around to it myself."

"Shame about Denis's place and Denise herself, always liked the pie."

"Coffee wasn't half bad either."

"Well you and your assistant be safe now, I'd say come back soon but seeing as you showed up and burnt down a restaurant how about you don't."

"Fair enough Sheriff Fair enough." And thus ended the were turkey revenge. For now. DUN DUN DUN.

Friday, November 16, 2018

The Were Turkey Menance


"Ok I'm calling bullshit, you are not afraid of Turkeys." Clarissa and Gilbert had stopped at an all night diner along the road. Gilbert was well into his second cup of coffee as he was telling his story.

"You didn't see these turkeys, honestly its something I keep under my hat, not a lot of people would respect a man afraid of Turkey gobbling, but seeing this sea of evil turkeys just put me in a bad place." Clarissa shook her head.

"I just don't believe that like gobble gobble can unsettle you."

"Can I just get back to telling my damn story?"

"Sure sure."


At first they didn't notice me. I don't know what goes on in the mind of a wereturkey, but it apparently was just to gobble and wait. I was thinking of backing up when the damn things attacked all at once. Just a mess of gobling and pecking, they started punching through the windshield and windows almost immediately. I put the van into gear and gunned it hoping to at least clear the herd more than anything. Trouble was I couldn't see where I was going, and so I smashed through the herd, off the road and right into a tree.

I was disoriented from the crash, but the turkeys were still attacking so I knew I had to do something. This is where my military training really helped. I'd killed plenty of things as a government exterminator, so I knew I had to control the situation or the damned were fowl would win. So I loaded up a rifle, a double barrel shotgun and various knives and threw open the side door of my van and opened up. I didn't exactly know what would take down the turkeys, but I knew I could at least wound the bastards long enough to put them down.

I don't know what goes through the mind of a were turkey other than malice and hatred, but I do know bullets can too. Unlike say a were wolf, were turkeys are just mean, but can be killed all the same as any other creature. So I started making sunday dinner out of all them damn turkeys. Using all my ammo in the process because when you're scared you don't make the wisest of shooting decisions.

The turkey's lay dead and splattered all around my van. I could see from the impact it was going to probably be a total'd van. One of six in my entire career and this one was at the start, which let me tell you made me think I made the smartest of decisions. I thought I had gotten all the turkeys at first. But then I heard another gobble. A gobble that wasn't a regular gobble, it was an evil gobble.


"Seriously another evil gobble?"

"Will you quit?" Gilbert was on to his fourth cup of coffee. Clarissa hadn't seen the waitress in twenty minutes, but figured it was late at night and they were the only people at the restaurant.

"I'm just saying I'm not entirely buying this story of evil turkeys."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"Bender of the truth."

"You know I have to go to the bathroom, and when I'm done and we're back on the road I hope you'll be more receptive to my story."

"I hope your story is more closely lined to the truth!" Gilbert got up in a huff and Clarissa quietly laughed to herself. And in the wilderness nearby the were turkey planned its revenge.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Turkey Time Gobble Gobble


...This was before Delores was working for me. Before I really had any of my current client list. Sure I'd killed monsters for the Army, but private extermination is a different business. You don't have the resources or men, its just you and what you could afford to bring. I stupidly had business would just roll on in. Being a well known government exterminator would carry over. It had not at all. So when I got call from a farmer near Cottonwood Minnesota I couldn't exactly say no.

"Got your number from an old army buddy, said you handled weird shit in the army." His voice was that usual southern drawl farmers got even when they were well north of the Mason Dixon.

"So what's troubling you?"

"Something been killing my turkeys, ripping them up bad like no wolf ever done, I asked the local sheriff to look into it but I'm not popular in these parts and they aren't helping me." The way he said popular told me he was black and they weren't out to help him on that, racism is hard grained in this country even in places people think it aint.

"I hear you, you think it could be people?"

"No, well if it is they are some evil fucking people," There was some dead noise on the phone and then shouting I couldn't make out, "God damn its happening again, I'm going to go out and check."

"No sir stay where you are I can be there in a couple days."

"I'll just check don't worry." I waited for an hour for him to come back, but he never did. Even knowing I probably wouldn't get paid I figure I'd have to go, maybe he'd be alive, its not like I had a whole lot going on for myself at the time. So I gathered some stuff, up including books I'd owned in the military and made my way over to Cottonwood. Well eventually, turns out finding a farm town in Minnesota in the age of no gps was less than ideal. I told him a couple days it took me three.

Cottonwood was empty when I got there. I don't mean like it was a small town, I mean no one was there. Every building, house, and street was devoid of life. There's always something unsettling about showing up to a place that is supposed to have people but doesn't. You're just afraid, all your fears adding up in your head telling you to leave and pretend you never came. I probably should have left having no job and no idea what was wrong, but I think ultimately I always tell myself this job is about helping people and I figured just leaving wouldn't help anyone except myself so I stayed.

I did know that the farm was probably my best bet for finding out what had happened. So after making another double check in town to make sure I hadn't missed anyone. I set out for farm country, figured I could find one without issue, hopefully someone there could point me to the only black Turkey farmer around. I wasn't out of town very far before I heard it. A sound that still can make my blood chill even today.

Turkeys, gobbling, thousands of them, all at once.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Beware the WereTurkey


"It was no issue Mayor I mean if I ran across someone surrounded by bodies with a shotgun I'd probably arrest them too." Gilbert and Clarissa had only been detained a couple of hours by the local police, just long enough for the police to make sure that yep those were Reebs. Gilbert didn't necessarily mind, he got to take a shower and there wasn't anyone else in the cell aside from Clarissa so it wasn't like he got hassled. It was actually one of the nicer times he'd been arrested. They were already on the road again when the mayor called.

"It's really ok Mayor, just pay our normal fee, right yep ok well you have a pleasant evening too." Gilbert hung up the phone and handed it back to Clarissa so he could resume driving.

"So we're good?"

"Oh yeah apparently killing off a colony retiree eating creatures is a public service, and we got overtime pay, even a key to the city."

"A city that has like a coffee shop, 3 chain stores, and didn't realize an entire retirement community of people were missing." Gilbert chuckled.

"Yeah, I've got a couple keys like that, and they are always ceremonial, one of the saddest days I ever had was realizing it wasn't an actual key to the city." Clarissa hadn't thought of that, but it actually made sense.

"So do you think I'll be able to get my jeep eventually or will they keep it in impound forever?"

"As an apology the Mayor said he'd have someone drive it to the office, don't know how much of an apology that is knowing how cops drive, but you'll get it back."

"Well now that that's all wrapped up I guess we go back and cool our heels for the winter?" Clarissa had already been done with the idea of any kind of seasonal spooks.

"Nah just October, soon enough turkey farms will be calling to get us there to deal with wereturkeys." Clarissa laughed and Gilbert just shook his head. "I'm serious."

"Wereturkeys? Like the bird that looks up and drowns?"

"Well that's regular turkeys and they are dumb as hell yes, but wereturkeys are dangerous, they infect the stupid turkeys and turn them viscous." Gilbert had a look in his eyes that seemed to Clarissa there was more to it than just what he was saying.

"Do you have a history with Wereturkeys?" Gilbert nodded.

"My first real commercial job was Wereturkeys, and honestly it almost broke me as an exterminator, It was 1981..."