Friday, March 23, 2018

West Virginia, For Real This Time


"Can't kill a dragon just by cutting her head off." Gilbert and Clarissa were together again. Reverend Timms had wished them well on their way and gone off to whatever place Timms went. Clarissa was relieved Gilbert seemed to be in better spirits.

"But she died."

"She made you think she did, probably because she's planning some overall bad thing with other bad things and wanted to fall of the radar for a bit."

"That happen a lot?"

"All the god damn time, one time me and Janice back when we were just foot soldiers in the military fell into this conspiracy to replace the president with a vampire, just another week in this industry I tell you."

"Well that's reassuring." Gilbert laughed.

"Welcome to being a monster exterminator. Don't worry Parker will get hers sooner or later, we got this forest shit to work through though, something in West Virginia."

"You sure you are up for it?"

"Not in the slightest, but between what the sorrow said and Parker's actions making it clear she doesn't think I'm going to stick around, I better get this resolved sooner rather than later." Clarissa nodded.

"I'm still scared Gilbert."

"Don't be, not my first time of having something evil inside, this one at least doesn't talk, I had some eighteenth century spirit along for a ride once, good lord was that awful, dude never shut up, just talked all day being amazed by simple shit, by the time it was time to get rid of him I was beyond annoyed with his bullshit." Clarissa remembered the dark spirit she'd given a ride and wondered if this was Gilbert telling her he knew and just was letting her keep the fiction going.

"Monster Exterminating is crazy shit."

"Yes yes it is, but the pay sucks and the hours are terrible." Gilbert and Clarissa both laughed at that for a bit and then drove on in silence. The roads towards West Virginia beckoned.



"What do you mean no?"

"I mean no." Gilbert had checked in with a Sheriff when they had gotten to West Virginia. The man's name tag read Dewey and to Gilbert he looked exactly like a Dewey.

"Sheriff I'm just giving you a courtesy notice."

"You're stepping in shit that I can't walk off is what you're doing, if you and your assistant insist I'll arrest you both, now get out of my office." He slammed the door to punctuate it. Clarissa who had been waiting in the small waiting area shrugged at Gilbert.

"So that's that?"

"No its not that, we'll find another way to do this shit, but we're doing it." Gilbert didn't remember much of West Virginia, but it was coming back to him why he hated it.

Friday, March 16, 2018

I Need Asylum from the Asylum


Gilbert's van was out front of Green Bluff Asylum. The building itself didn't look too scary to Clarissa or Reverend Timms, but Shirley didn't want to leave the hearse.

"There is a lot of evil in there." Shirley looked actually scared, something that Clarissa didn't understand for a ghost.

"Looks normalish to me, maybe broken down." Timms didn't feel anything, but realized unlike Clarissa or Shirley this was a whole new ball game for him. Clarissa took out a bag from the back and handed Timms a breathing mask.

"Never can tell what's inside their Reverend, asbestos or god knows what else, mask up."

"I don't believe the former Mrs. Dunkley is talking about building materials." Clarissa kept her hand out.

"Mask up Reverend."

"I can see you will insist over my objections, so I'll oblige you." The three of them made their way into the Asylum and it looked just as run down as it looked on the outside. Run down but otherwise not very scary. Clarissa had some of the expel passages they had used to hunt ghosts before, she didn't know how useful they'd be if whatever was in the building wasn't a ghost, but she figured better safe than sorry. They were following what were obviously Gilbert's foot prints through the facility. Alarmingly for Clarissa they had gone down, she hadn't learned much about exterminating, but what she did know is bad things lived under ground, sometimes really bad things.

The entrance to the basement was in better shape than the rest of the facility which made the hairs on Clarissa neck raise up. Timms himself had his pistol out as they descended the steps. Shirley who was corporeal was the most hesitant staying at the top of the steps for a long time before she followed after them. Once in the basement they saw Gilbert standing their waiting for them, he didn't have a weapon or any other item. He was in his work suit standing in the middle of what looked like four electrodes.

"Come on in, come on in."

"Gilbert you're sick." Clarissa was the first to say something, she had been trying to think of what she could tell him since she'd gotten back.

"I know Clarissa, I know I'm not well, its been going on for far too long," Gilbert looked behind Clarissa for a moment at Shirley who was at the back of the group and moving back from him, "You just tell yourself you'll allow it to go on for a time because you're lonely, and you know its wrong, but its nice to think someone you care about is around." Shirley looked to run, but was prevented from it, Gilbert turned on the lights in the basement and runes lit up the whole room.

"Gilbert what is going on?" Timms was confused, he had come seeking someone who was lost, and now it felt like he was lost.

"Proper Technique applied properly, isn't that right creature?" Gilbert was directed his ire at Shirley and Clarissa felt sick to her stomach.

"Gilbert just because she's your wife spirit doesn't make her a creature."

"Look at her Clarissa, really look, not at what she wants you to see, but what's really there." Clarissa thought Gilbert was crazy at first, but then she saw, Shirley's spirit had changed, she looked older and paler, her skin grew cracked and broken and her hair longer and whiter. What remained looked barely human. Clarissa in a panic snatched the necklace she'd been wearing and threw it on the ground.

"Oh god did she use that to possess me?"

"No what that is, is not a spirit, or not a normal one, the necklace was the fiction that let her come with you. She's a sorrow, something conjured up in grief that haunts you the same as anything else." Shirley attacked, she rushed straight for Gilbert, as soon as she crossed in front of the electrodes she was wrapped in spectral chains.

"You're still sick Dunkley, you need me! I've kept what's inside you from killing you!"

"That I may be, but your time has come sorrow, its time for you to move on, somewhere else." The sorrow tried to say something else, but the chains drug it down into the earth. It screamed as slight bit of fire emerged and then was gone. Clarissa hugged Gilbert and he was happy to have the warmth.

"I'm sorry Gilbert."

"Oh it's all right Clarissa, it's all right, I'm sorry too, I fucked up too." And that was all that needed to be said between the two exterminators.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Only the Living


Reverend Timms chuckled. They'd been driving for a day now, almost none stop since he didn't really eat anyway, Shirley was a ghost and Clarissa didn't seem like she was interested in food at all. The whole car ride had felt like going to a funeral, Timms had mused taking a hearse was probably the first mistake, but no one in the car seemed that interested in laughing.

"Something funny Reverend?" Clarissa was absently staring out the window. They were driving through what felt like an endless cornfield.

"Just you're the only living person in this car right now."

"Well she was." Timms slammed on the brakes immediately after hearing the Santinni's voice. The demon was in the back seat next to Shirley his feet up like he'd been there the whole time.

"Demon I ain't even going to give you one warning." Timms had his revolver out and pointed at Santinni's face.

"Reverend Timms so..... hostile, so angry, I'm only trying to help you all." Clarissa put her hand on Timms gun.

"Let him speak."

"He's a tool of Satan Clarissa the great deceiver." Santinni chuckled but didn't say anything.

"Lets just hear him out."

"Listen... to the girl... reverend Tiiiiiiiimmmmms, I'm only here to help." Timms put his gun away, but still gave Santinni a death glare, "Well now that's.... over, lets talk shop, you are looking for Gilbert yes?"

"You know what we are up to." Shirley finally spoke and Santinni gave her a wide toothed smile.

"Lost soul I know sooooooo much of what you're up to, and I'm going to be polite and say I'll look past to unlicensed hunting Clarissa, just. this. one. time, but I'm not here to chastise I'm here to help," Santinni looked around the car again and then smiled, "Where you are going is wrong, Mr. Dunkley is not in West Virginia, there is... something there, but nothing for your current problem."

"Why should we believe you?" Timms doubted the demon wanted to help, he'd run into several demons over the years and every time they'd been liars.

"You shouldn't I guess, but if you want to save Gilbert.... you should." Timms wanted to take his gun back out, but Clarissa believed Santinni if only because she felt he had no reason to lie.

"Where is he then?" Santinni held his hand out, Clarissa assuming he wanted her phone handed it over and he pulled up a map without even touching the screen, and then handed it back to her.

"You will find Mr. Dunkley there." His task finished Santinni exited the car, Clarissa followed after him.

"Don't you want to help us?"

"I did?" And then he was gone no further discussion offered.

"So where we headed Clarissa I assume you want us to believe the demon." Timms didn't want to, but he assumed he was overriden by Shirley and Clarissa.

"Green Bluff Asylum."

"Oh that sounds like a lovely vacation destination, lead us on."


"You play a dangerouuuuuuuuuuuuss game Dunkley." Gilbert was setting up in the basement of the asylum, he had a bunch of pylons and sigils written everywhere.

"So they are on their way." Santinni chuckled.

"Yes, I assume, though what if they had decided west Viriginia was the real route?"

"They wouldn't have, she wouldn't let them, she can feel my presence and would know I'm not that way when they passed the asylum."

"You sound so sure, but you can never tell with things like this." Gilbert sighed and kept working.

"Anything else Santinni?"

"Nope." And he was gone, which Gilbert appreciated, he had a lot of preparing to do.

Friday, March 2, 2018

The Hills of West Virginia Call


"I just need a minute Reverend, just give me a minute to process this." Clarissa felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She had just gotten off the phone with Doris who was ok, but weirded out by Gilbert's behavior. What had caused Clarissa such alarm was the day, it was the same day she'd left with Ms Parker. Despite being in the jungle for months, she had been gone around three hours.

"I don't want to be an asshole, but we are behind Mr. Dunkley, and perhaps if we catch him at the house..."

"You must give me a minute to process I've only been gone from the world for three hours Reverend, I WAS THERE FOR THREE MONTHS!" It was scary and sad at the same time, Clarissa was happy to an extent she hadn't missed three months of her life in the "real" world, but at the same time she worried for Izu who claimed to have been gone years.

"I understand but you have to approach this from a position of that is in the past, this is the potential horrible future." Clarissa wanted to scream and Timms, but he was correct, they had to find Gilbert and stop him from going into the forest wherever it may be.

"Ok lets go to the house, hopefully we catch him there and stop this shit now." They left the office, Clarissa made sure to take a couple things from the back just in case she had guessed wrong on what was going on and made their way to Gilbert's house where he and the van were not located. Timms and Clarissa knew he wouldn't be there, but confirming it made it all the more deflating.

Clarissa was wandering around the house trying to think of what to do when she saw a picture of Gilbert and his former assistant Charlie. She remembered Gilbert calling him after they had dealt with the forest the first time. It was all she had. After a couple panic'd moments running around the house she found Gilbert's personal phone book and Charlie's number. She worried for a moment while the phone was ringing Charlie to had succumb to the forest's call.

"West Virginia." His voice was cracked and gravely, Clarissa did not know if that's how Charlie normally sounded, but it didn't sound natural. Like he was dying of something.


"Gilbert's going to West Virginia, I know because it's calling to me too, stronger than ever, but I'm not going, and I pray that you can get there before I have to do something drastic, so hurry, for my sake." The phone went dead, Clarissa didn't want to know what was something drastic Charlie would do, but feared the way he said it.

"What did he say?" Timms felt on edge, Clarissa had been not really saying anything to him and in her mindset he was getting worried himself.

"West Virginia."

"Ahh, my people."

"You have family in West Virginia?" Timms smiled.

"Oh I have family everywhere the lord's word need spreading young Clarissa, but don't you worry I'm sure we'll be welcomed in no time to the great state of Western Virginia and have Gilbert back here in no time." Clarissa did not have the same confidence Timms did.


"You have to take me with you." Shirley was more than a little worried about Gilbert, she had seen him when he had gotten home hours ago and he looked terrible.

"Aren't you stuck here as like a ghost? And I dunno if Timms would react well to a ghost Shirley."

"He's my husband, and if you take this I can go anywhere." Shirley held up a locket that drifted towards Clarissa's bed.

"Still doesn't make Timms ok with it."

"Ok with what?" Timms was standing in the doorway he had his pistol out.

"Timms she's not what you think."

"She's not a ghost? I do know that the former Mrs Dunkley has passed from this world." Timms put the pistol away. "I heard voices and I got worried, it is lovely to see you again Shirley though as a man of the lord I am saddened you have chosen to remain here instead of going to his lights grace."

"Reverend I need to come, Gilbert is in trouble and I can help."

"Than I welcome you're help, Clarissa please finish up we got to be getting going." Timms left and Clarissa let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

"That went better than I thought."

"I never knew Timms personally, but he always seemed to be ok with all the weird things Gilbert brought him." Clarissa finished gathering her things, and put on Shirley's locket.

"I just hope Gilbert's ok." Shirley looked Clarissa deep in the eyes.

"He will be, he will be."

Friday, February 23, 2018

Not Exactly a Search Party


"Bad things are coming Clarissa, lot of evil men been out and about, I believe the devil needs some payment." Clarence Timms had been busy. He'd been in places he'd rather not think about, even as someone who thinks he could not die he was worried where he'd been death would have been a blessing.

"Like the actual devil? Is that a thing?" Clarissa was still trying to get a handle on being back in civilization. Izu herself looked awkward as well, though it could have just been sitting in a hearse with Reverend Timms driving.

"I haven't personally run across him personally, but I have been visited by his associates, so I assume the man himself is out there somewhere. But this was more of an expression of mine." Izu held her hand up like she was in class.

"This is all real interesting and I'm sure you folks have things to work out, but I've been gone a real long time from the world and I'd rather not be involved in whatever this all is." Timms looked at Izu for a second and then pulled over to the side of the road.

"You want out here or when we're back in town? Its cold out girl."

"Town is actually a scarier place for me Reverend." Izu got out and took a deep breath of the air. Clarissa got out with her and gave her a big hug.

"Thank you for everything." Izu reached into the small bag she'd been carrying and gave Clarissa a pair of short blades she'd made from a couple creatures in the wilds.

"Remember everything I showed you, that bow is deadly, but not everything stays at a distance, and take care of yourself, this is good bye but its not gone for good. I'll see you again." Izu waved at Reverend Timms and started making her way towards the frozen field away from the highway.

"She wasn't human was she?" Clarissa put her hands in front of the heater, just being outside for a bit made her feel so cold.

"Nope, that doesn't bother you does it?"

"Honey I'm an undead preacher who was born back before there were fifty states, if that kind of thing bothered me its been years now." Timms smiled and Clarissa felt a little better even if her world kept feeling like less reality and more insanity. Silence fell over both of them and the rest of the drive to GD Exterminators was in silence.


The lights were out at the office. The clock on Reverend Timms car read five pm, which would be a little early for Gilbert to close the office, but Clarissa felt something was off. Timms did too, he got out of his car and took his revolver out.

"Stay in the car."

"Screw that, I know this office better than you do Timms." Clarissa got out and took out the two blades Izu had given her. Inside was dark, it felt a little cold, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It looked just like Clarissa had left it when she'd gone. Timms too didn't notice anything out of the ordinary and put his pistol away.

"Maybe they just went home for the day." Clarissa was about to agree with Timms, and then she saw it, a little sapling sitting on the desk. It was in a pot, like someone would have picked it up at a local home depot, but she felt the hairs rise up on the back of her neck and then she heard it, carnival music, lightly drifting on the wind.

"The forest got him."

"The what?" Reverend Timms was confused what woods had anything to do with it.

"Long story, you up to help?"

"If one of my flock is in trouble, I'm always willing to help."

"Good, though I hope you're as unable to die as you say, because I'm sure this thing is willing to kill us all."

Friday, February 16, 2018

Rank Betrayal


Ms. Parker smiled as she saw Clarissa. Clarissa looked haggard. Her clothing was partially replaced with jungle parts and her face was covered in Mud. She had her bow, but the arrows looked to be also replaced.

"You left me here for three fucking months you awful person."

"I'm not a person, I'm a dragon, and I came to get you, you should be thankful I could have left you here indefinitely."

"You also lied to me. She was a person, a lizard person, but a person." Parker snarled.

"Low born swine lizard people are, and she's an attempted assassin darling, never forget these creatures are deadly even if they can in theory speak though I doubt such a gutteral being ever learned speech." Clarissa was angry about how Parker spoke about Izu, the level of disdain in her voice was palpable.

"Well she's dead now so can I go now?"

"Not yet darling stop being in such a rush, show me her body I want to see the corpse of the thing that attacked me." Clarissa sighed and lead Parker through the jungle. It took an hour to reach the site of a waterfall, there was green blood leading up to a cliff.

"Well that's where she went down, she and I had been waging a war here, but I got her here, and over the side she went." Parker frowned, looking to the cliff she could see no body.

"I said a body my dear, not where you think you killed her." She turned to face Clarissa and took three arrows to the face.

"I'm not climbing down there to find her body, if you want it you do it, but for me I just want to go home." Parker sighed and waved her hand, a portal emerged in ether.

"Fine my darling fine, you can go I'll send a servant to..." Clarissa fired three arrows into Parker before she could finish admonishing the girl, Izu emerged from the river where she'd been hiding and lopped her head off and kicked her body off the cliff and into the underbrush below.

"Good lord that darling crap is annoying." Clarissa doubted the dragon killing plan Izu had would work, she couldn't doubt the result.

"Quick before the portal closes." Izu and Clarissa leapt through the portal and found themselves along side the highway outside of Ellensburgh, it was freezing as both women were dressed for the jungle, and it was very much winter.

"I don't get it we've been in there months, how is it still winter?"

"Maybe its a late winter?" Clarissa was about to respond when a hearse pulled up to them.

"It's a bit cold to be dressed for an anime convention girls." Clarence Timms was a surprise for Clarissa to see, but she was happy of all people to run across Izu and herself it was someone at least associated with Gordon.

"Long story Revered can we get a ride?"

"Yes you can, in fact I was going to see your boss, come on in."


"I'm still confused by this Miss Parker." Parker sat in the back of her limo smiling. Her associate Richards some kind of troll kin that Parker never understood or cared to ask about sat nervously across from her.

"The exterminator knew what I was, it was worth it to throw her off that I'm still around."

"You think she'll tell Dunkley?"

"Probably, not that it matters, what he's got will kill him soon enough, there's a reason I never go into those forests."

"And then?"

"And then we kill his assistant and assume no one will get in the way of our plan Darling, inform the rest of the council to proceed as planned." Richards left and Parker smiled to herself, briefly touching the place where the lizard creature had beheaded her. She could imagine all kinds of awful things to do to the creature and Clarissa, and couldn't wait to show them.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Early Retirement


Clarissa could not tell if she was hunting her prey or it was hunting her. She had awoken in a jungle with a note telling her to aim for the head and water. To say she was angry as Ms Parker was an understatement. The jungle was hot, she'd had to ditch her work jump suit and was contemplating taking her pants off. She hadn't run across any animals or even insects, but she could feel the eyes of whatever she was intended on killing upon her. It was how trees and plants would be moving before she got there. Every clump of trees felt like an ambush, she wished Gilbert was there, she figured he had experience killing whatever Ms Parker had intended on her to kill. Clarissa heard a branch snap behind her and turned with her bow and arrow drawn, she felt the blade press against her neck but the strike didn't come.

"So my retirement has finally come." The creature appeared female based on hair and chest, but she wore clothes made of several types of creatures it was hard to distinguish features. The blade she had at Clarissa's neck also looked to have been made from a creature.

"I'm surprised you speak." Clarissa didn't know if she should fire, her instincts told her not to.

"It's been a while, but I remember words, that's a nice bow, shame your shot is off." Clarissa went to look at her bow and quickly found herself on the ground with the sword pressed against her throat.

"I guess you're going to kill me now." There was a moment, and then the creature sheathed her blade and held her hand out.

"No, I hunt monsters, but you are not one, though I suspect one sent you here." Clarissa accepted the hand and got to her feet.

"Where is here anyway?"

"I was hoping you'd know." The creature laughed, which prompted Clarissa to laugh.


"So Ms Parker sent you here to?" Izu, the creature who was like some kind of lizard person with her armor off gave Clarissa a side ways glance.

"Parker? No don't know a Parker, I know a big red dragon I was after who opened a portal and chucked my ass inside, that I do know."

"I'm just surprised you speak English."

"I'm from Michigan if you can believe it, now admittedly I'm not human like you are, but not all things inhuman are horrible killers." Izu had taken Clarissa to her camp, a small space carved in the jungle with a fire and some basic food, Clarissa turned down the food it looked not appetizing.

"You're wearing the skins of several creatures, some I recognize some I've never seen." Izu chuckled.

"I guess you're correct, though seeing as you came here with an elven bow that smells of death well I guess we're both a like in that regard, well except I've got experience, you, you were easily fooled by me telling you you're aim was off."

"I'm just an assistant."

"Where's you're boss? Lining up a shot on me?"

"No, he's back in Ellensburgh." Izu looked up for a moment as if trying to remember something.

"Dunkley, he was out of that town, I remember, ran into him in Ohio once, tried to kill me too, GD Exterminators, I guess I should be flattered."

"So are you one of us or something?"

"Somewhat, I was an artist once, painted things, lived in tunnels, its where Dunkley found me, there were bodies all over Ohio, some creature deep underground killing them, Dunkley like you didn't pull the trigger, too human looking I guess, helped him find the real creature deeper underground, helped him end it, got a taste at the time, felt I could do some good looking for things in the dark. My mistake of course was going after that damn dragon."


"Yeah you said that's her name, yeah it was like my second thing I was sent to do, little midget bastard turned me on to her, said she killed his whole family. I even had the jump on her if you can believe that, but she got me in her jaws and I thought I was done, and then I woke up here."

"Did you kill everything here or something?"

"Nothing is here normally, Parker I guess sends stuff to me, at first I figured it was to kill me, over the years I've come to think of it more as a clean up and amusement, but I guess I've out lived my usefulness, or you have."

"Probably a bit of both."

"Dragon's are probably assholes like that."

"Seems that way, so are you going to kill me?"

"Nah you wouldn't make a very good arm band, and I need a new one." Izu smiled, "Though I will do one thing for you, and that's teach you how to use a blade, I could have killed you a couple times and that's being generous, you need to be smarter if you're going to kill your dragon." Izu rummaged through her camp and pulled out another creature sword and handed it over to Clarissa.

"What do you want me to do first?" Izu took up her own blade and held it up to Clarissa.

"Well to start out, try and kill me, and we'll work our way from there."