Friday, August 16, 2019

Nothing Good Comes From You


"I should have known this was your fault Trezlan." Gilbert had mostly been caught up to speed, his stomach still hurt with hunger, but everyone had decided it was best to leave city limits and rejoin the world first.

"That's a fine way of trying to blame this all on me because that creature and me are from the same place."

"Isn't that enough?" Clarissa was sleeping in the back, she'd been tired since almost becoming one with the bugs, Gilbert worried something might be growing in her that he didn't see, but he was waiting till later to make that determination.

"I don't blame everything that happens on wherever you're from Gilbert! This is planetism."

"Not a word Trezlan."

"Where I'm from it totally is."

"I'm sure the land of bullshitia is really missing you right now."

"You are such a hateful person Gilbert, and as a fellow black man..."

"Stop that shit right here, A. You may share the same skin color as me, but you aren't my fellow fucking anything, and B. Fuck you."

"Hateful old man, I'll happily outlive you."

"With your stupidity I'm surprised you lived as long as you have, what was even going on in Bend to begin with?"

"Oh now that my mind is clear I can recall I found a summoning circle in a basement right before that thing screwed with my mind. I guess some people who don't like you thought they'd bring something down to kill you should those walker skins fail, and then they ended up becoming bug food because you shouldn't summon shit you don't know."

"Right like playing with Necromancy."

"Cheap shot Gilbert, aren't you worried about your assistant?"

Gilbert looked back briefly at Clarissa as she slept, "Terribly so."

"You know I can."

"Do fucking nothing, I'll figure it out."

"Touchy touchy."

"Trezlan when I drop you off I don't want to hear from you for a very very long time."

"Well the feeling is mutal Gilbert, feeling is mutual."


Gilbert pulled away from the shop and I felt my anger rising, I made sure to write in my journal he was such a dick. It's weird writing in english but such is the way things are until I can get home, eventually. Still the girl is probably sick or worse, and he'll need my help, the only issue of course is how to get him to accept it without him trying to kill me. And why is this always an issue for me?

Friday, August 9, 2019

I Thought My Parents Sucked


"God it feels like we've been arguing for days." Trezlan's voice was hoarse, his body weak. Gilbert didn't even seem to be listening to him anymore. He did notice there were multiple empty bottles of water at his feet, he didn't bring them, but he didn't notice Clarissa there either.

"If you'd just listen to me Trezlan." But Trezlan wasn't listening to Gilbert anymore, the pain of standing hit him all at once. Trezlan collapsed in the dirt.

"What the hell happened to us Gilbert?"

"Some kind of your nonesense." Gilbert seemed unaffected by the time advancement. Trezlan figured whatever had gotten him stuck there would keep working, but Trezlan had caught up with things and it was high time to sort out what in the five fires was going on. Trezlan didn't trust driving back, and so he walked back to town, once there he saw the pest people creatures. They were still banging on the door from when Clarissa had been run off.

"Well not the first time I've seen shit like this." Was his thought as he brought up some fire, burning always worked on bugs, they made a nice crackle when you cooked them. The first four went down without too much trouble aside from the smell, it was a horrible smell. That only summoned more of the creatures. Trezlan was caught wondering how he'd missed them his first time through, he admitted to himself but wouldn't to anyone else he might have been a bit sloppy in checking.

He figured the ones banging on the door must have been doing it because of Clarissa having gone into the building, so he followed after her. Unfortunately she'd locked the door from the other side, but Trezlan had fire magic, he cooked the hinges and knocked the door down, since he was confident if more of the bug people came he could cook their asses too. The smell was rotten as he climbed the steps, each foot fall made him want to retreat, but he knew Clarissa had come up there and so he had to follow. At the top he saw it, a large bug creature it had wrapped a tentacle around Clarissa, a larva of its near by ready to be attached.

"INTERLOPER!!!" The thought hit him in the head with a scathing pain.

"I knew just fucking knew that something like you would cross over."

"Necromancer, your mind is not unknown to us, but know that if you harm me the girl dies she is one with the family now."

"Unlikely, not until you fully attach one of your rotten spawn, which won't be happening." Trezlan had fought one of these creatures before, smaller and less entrenched, but still the same disgusting smell. Being able to trap people's minds was new, but maybe that was something it had learned since arriving on earth.

"You won't be doing anything." He felt a pain in his head, shooting at first and then spreading from there. And then Trezlan felt a sudden need to argue with Gilbert back at the van. He was mildly surprised Gilbert was actually right next to him and carrying some kind of grenade. He threw it towards the center of the room and Trezlan was shaken from the mind control immediately, the screaming of the mother creature caught Trezlan, Clarissa, and Gilbert off guard it was an intense stabbing pain. Gilbert ran to free Clarissa from the mother parasite, its rapid thrashing was quickly destroying the room they were in, plus the fire from Gilbert's grenade. They ran down the stairs the death throes of the creature in their heads. Once again in the light of day did they finally relax.

"So nice of you two to wander off with out me." Gilbert's words brought both Clarissa and Trezlan to give him a stink eye.

Friday, August 2, 2019

A Most Ingenious Trap


Clarissa just didn't understand how the two idiots couldn't understand how they had been repeating each other over and over again for two whole days, their bodies already showing the time their minds did not recognize. She worried she too was losing her mind, and her assumption that they couldn't see it was also just a replay of the events. But she'd been able to do things, effect things, she had marked on a sign the days they'd been there just to tell herself time was advancing.

"You can't save them." The voice caused Clarissa to jump. She had been so lost in her own fears and thoughts she didn't even notice the ragged looking woman in front of her. Her clothes were torn, her skin showed signs of self harm, the eyes a crazy gleam.

"Who are you?"

"You're all dead, it wants you here, it trapped all of us for you and now its got you!" She pulled a knife and sliced her throat in front of Clarissa. Clarissa didn't even react, the woman killed herself in a horror of blood and all Clarissa could do was shrug and think "God today sucks" she'd become so desensitized to the work as an exterminator watching someone kill themselves was just another day. It did alert Clarissa there was definitely something causing this, and potentially other crazy people in the town of bend she might have to deal with. She made a journey back to the van where Trezlan and Gilbert were playing out their road show, made sure to give them both water again as she'd been doing the last few days, and loaded up on weapons and ointments to take down whatever was in town.

Trezlan had claimed he'd used a lot of rituals in town and Clarissa could see the results of them. Just weird blood writing scrolled on to everything. She assumed that was Trezlan and not the creature. She had hoped Trezlan failed because he couldn't see the creature, and less the creature was too powerful. Clarissa had made it back to the center of town when she saw them. They looked almost to be human at first, just shambling towards her. It wasn't until she could make out the insect like creatures attached to their heads she witnessed the full horror approaching her.

There were five of them at first, and then more as Clarissa stood there in horror. The woman killing herself wasn't an issue. Some kind of parasite moving people against their will? This was true terror. She put some arrows in the nearest ones and they went down without too much trouble. The remaining alive released a high pitch scream that hurt her ears at a distance. With the screaming the shambling corpses picked up their pace at approaching her. Clarissa made for the nearest building she could find, which had the door mercifully open. She got inside and slammed it shut locking the door behind her. The parasites slammed on the door over and over trying to get in, but it was a hard metal security door she felt safe at least.

Clarissa had shut herself into a two story building, she cursed herself for not fully exploring the town prior. Hoping at the time to fix Gilbert and Trezlan she didn't bother to find out anything about Bend much to her detriment. She now had the parasites and whatever was controlling them to contend with. As she hesitantly walked up the stairs, she could smell something in the building that had her neck hairs stand up. When she got to the top of the stairs the smell was almost overwhelming and she could see why.

At the top were more parasites latched on to people, draining them. They were connected to the former walls of the building like some grotesque alien like nightmare. Clarissa almost screamed, but was afraid that would alert the creatures. In the center of the loft like second floor was what Clarissa assumed was the "mother" of the creatures, a bloated bile spewing creature that was giving birth and decorating at the same time.

"Welcome child." The voice was in her head, the creature looked at her it's several hundred eyes. "Welcome to the family."

Friday, July 26, 2019

Bend it Like Oregon


"The universe hates me, there can be no other explanation of this." The city of Bend was empty, or translocated or not on this world as it existed. Trezlan didn't know for sure, he only knew his own dumbassery had once again screwed him. He'd been wandering around down town for what felt like a day and nothing had changed. Everything was empty, everyone was gone, and there was no way of leaving. Anytime Trezlan attempted to leave he'd return back to the town like he'd never attempted to escape. Bend was also immensely boring. The kind of place you accidentally stop in on the way to somewhere more interesting and woe be to you for stopping. Several rituals, lots of bloodletting, and even attempting to just burn the town down had failed to illicit a response. Trezlan was 100% stuck there, and now he had to hope for the one thing he didn't want initially, Gilbert to show up.


"Absolutely nothing in Bend."

"Well there has to be a town or something."

"I mean beyond that, no clubs, no activities, just some rando town in Oregon." Clarissa had looked it up on her phone. Gilbert figured there would be nothing, and he was proven right, just like most things in Oregon. The road to Bend was deserted. Just one long empty highway, this worried Gilbert more and more as they approached. He stopped when the GPS said they were twenty miles out.

"No traffic, either direction, its fucking spooky its midday."

"Well it is eastern Oregon."

"No this is unusual even for this part of a state. There should be someone coming or going, though I fear I noticed this too late, whatever is here has already gotten us. Look to the horizon and notice there is a vague fog in the distance? We're stuck here now."


"Don't worry this would happen eventually, this kind of shit tends to just exist in my life."

"Well its somewhat new to me Gilbert." Just then a car came speeding at them, Gilbert wondered if it had just been a slow day and they weren't trapped. Until the car stopped and Trezlan got out.



"So that's where I'm at with all of this Gilbert." Trezlan had recounted everything he'd figured out up until that point.

"Impressive you've been here for hours and found out nothing Trezlan."

"Words hurt Gilbert."

"Would you two stop christ we've been here two days and you're still arguing." Clarissa's comment shook Trezlan and Gilbert, it had only be a few hours or so they thought.

"Clarissa what are you on about, we've been here less than an hour."

"Yeah I'd certainly remember arguing for two days."


"There is no need to sh..." Clarissa yelled to the air and walked off, this conversation had played itself out several times over and it was driving her insane. Gilbert and Trezlan like a broken record went right back to what they'd been saying.

Friday, July 19, 2019

Concern Noted


"You're not worried at all about what he did?" Gilbert and Clarissa were back in the van, Trezlan said he'd get an uber back up north. The missing person's group were cleaning up the the skin walkers. Gilbert felt very successful, yet not at all satisfied with the outcome.

"I mean my arm feels tingly, but I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm more concerned Trezlan Lorentino isn't just a liar like I'd thought of for years, that's going to hurt my ego."

"Gilbert I'm serious he used hard M magic on you."

"I'll be fine Clarissa really, its not even the first time I've been healed with weird shit, believe me, if anything that was one of the least intrusive versions of it."

"Fine be all Gilbert about it."

"What does being all Gilbert about something mean?"

"It's just that..." Clarissa was interrupted by Gilbert's phone was ringing, he figured it was probably Doris wondering when they'd be back, but he could see it was coming from Trezlan and he wanted to hang up.


"Sorry to bother you I was on the way home with this lovely carriage driver when I was hit by a specific blend of memories from the walker skins, I won't go into why I have their memories, but I do. Anyway long story short those weren't the only things after you."

"Telling me shit I already know Trezlan."

"Well look at you Mr. Everyone wants to kill me, fine fine. Just stay out of Bend Oregon." Trezlan hung up at that. Gilbert looked at Clarissa who looked back equally bewildered.

"What's in Bend Oregon?" They both wondered as they drove into the night.


"I wouldn't worry about the dumb shit Trezlan says, he one time told me that I should watch out for an arms dealer named Hanlon and I looked the name up and aside from the name of a character in a western it was a nothing, on your left." It had been two days since Trezlan's warning, Clarissa and Gilbert were in a ware house exterminating "dire rats" which were rats the size of small dogs.

"But why warn you about bend, wouldn't that encourage you to visit bend?" Clarissa fired an arrow through one of the rats and skewered it head to tail.

"Why would I visit Oregon? I mean if I want to watch people confused by pumping gas I can watch videos on youtube."

"You just can't get over that can you?"

"Nope, and I never will." Dire rats were not much of an issue, almost the kind of thing you could call a regular exterminator for, if not for the hell portal they normally came from. You needed a real professional for that.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Close the hell portal."

"Well obviously, but beyond that?"

"Sleep? I don't care about Bend Oregon, and Trezlan's warning might as well be 'Don't visit the moon'."

"Fair enough when we wind up in Oregon don't say I didn't warn you."


Gilbert drove past the welcome to Oregon sign and Clarissa made a slight laugh.

"Don't say a fucking thing."

Friday, July 12, 2019

The Usefulness of the Useless


"I'm still at a loss as to why I was punished with you." Gilbert and Trezlan had been paired up, Clarissa would go with the two missing person's detectives in a move Gilbert was still wondering how he agreed to it.

"You brought me, clearly they felt I should remain with you, well that and I don't do well with authority."

"You don't say."

"I do say, very often, so why are we in the woods looking for these walker skins?" Gilbert sighed, his arm was feeling numb from the injury earlier he was getting worried it was worse than he thought.

"Skin Walkers, and this is where they wanted us before, so..."

"So you think the best way to stop a trap is to walk right into it? Bold move, stupid but bold, though I guess you could be one of these walker skins things and just leading me into a trap, in which case that's stupid and stupid."

"Stupider than you just bringing that sword and none of the things you sold me that kill them?" Trezlan laughed, compared to how everyone else was dressed, his suit and light coat with the sword did seem out of place. The detectives had actually questioned what he was doing there.

"There is very little in this world my magic and this sword can't kill, Trust me Mr Dunkley I'm not using a stake like some kind of lesser person." Gilbert was about to ask what the lesser person crack meant when he heard an odd yowling. Trezlan heard it too, it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Well we know they know we're here."

"I hope you've got something actually planned Mr. Dunkley we're alone in the woods in a trap you specifically said they set for us."

"Was hoping I could just turn you over to them honestly."

"Ha that was my plan Mr. Dunkley." There were four of the skin walkers. They had emerged from the woods in partial human coyote form, their skin glistened unnaturally in the moon light. Gilbert guessed this was the extent of the pack after he and Clarissa had killed one earlier, which meant Trezlan and he would have to take on the rest of the pack.

"Give us Dunkley, and we'll let you live." The voice sounded gutteral and too high pitched, like the imitation of human speech Skin Walkers were known for.

"Sorry he's a paying customer, and you're a walker skin." Trezlan took up a posture with his sword, Gilbert took out the elk horn stake in his good hand and prepared for what he didn't know. He felt like this whole thing had gotten out of his hand and now he had to rely on either Clarissa and the detectives finding him or worse Trezlan not being a complete idiot. Gilbert feared death was certain. The four skin walkers spread out, surrounding Gilbert and Trezlan, and then slinked back into the forest temporarily. Gilbert and Trezlan both knew it was to attack where they couldn't see them.

"I'm open to ideas Trezlan."

"Is that you asking for my help?"

"Well you're here they are going to eat you too."

"Too true, these walker skins are kind of dumb though, who leaves a necromancer by himself before an attack?" Trezlan pulled the sword up into his hand and pulled it once slicing it open. Gilbert was going to ask what that would do, but then Trezlan spun around them in a circle and the blood seemed to float from his hand to the trees and ground around them in some form of magic circle. The walkers ran through his circle for what good it did, Trezlan did not seem at all concerned.

"Fool you think your attempt at magic can harm us?"

"Think? No, know? Yes." Gilbert feared he had trusted Trezlan to do something in the exact way that he'd get killed by an idiot, but the skin walkers didn't advance. They didn't move, they were stuck in place as if something was holding them there. "Go ahead Mr. Dunkley use your little stake on these creatures they can not move."

"What did you do to them?"

"A blood curse, they crossed the circle uninvited and were detained." Gilbert moved from one of the skin walkers to the other with ease killing them with a shove of the stake. When he got to the last one Trezlan held his hand.

"Trezlan I don't know if your blood curse will keep them here forever."

"It won't, but one moment." Trezlan put his hand on the creature and then touched Gilbert, the pain in Gilbert shoulder got intense, like a searing burning pain, and then it was gone, his shoulder was fixed. The creature shriveled like an Indiana Jones villain, turning to dust as it fell.

"What was that?"

"Something you probably don't want to know about, but your shoulder is fixed you're welcome." Gilbert didn't like what he did, but he couldn't argue with the results.

"So you have a use after all Trezlan."

"Shhh don't tell anyone or I'll be so hassled on this world I'll have to go to another one."

Friday, July 5, 2019

The Worst Help From the Worst Person


"This van smells bad."

"No one invited you!" Clarissa and Gilbert said it in unison. They'd been driving for thirty minutes and twenty nine of those minutes was Trezlan complaining.

"Rude of both of you to attack me like that when I'm providing my extensive experience in aiding you on this adventure."

"You bribed your way onto this adventure Trezlan." Gilbert thought to himself he should never have agreed. A thought that kept repeating itself to him.

"What even are you anyway?" Gilbert wanted to tell Clarissa what she just asked was the worst question to ask, but it was too late, he could hear the inhale of breath from Trezlan.

"Well since you asked unlike your rude employer. I come from a land your gutteral tongue can't pronounce so I shall not try. I arrived here mostly on accident, I had been adventuring myself in a cave when a portal opened and deposited me here several hundred years ago." Clarissa looked to Gilbert who shook his head in a 'this guy is full of shit' sort of way.

"So you're hundreds of years old?"

"Several hundreds of years, I'm a necromancer, I keep my life force going by taking from others."

"Just to let you know Clarissa he's some kind of something, but between his bullshit and lies I haven't been able to tell specifically what he is other than stupid and dangerous."

"You're contributions to my story is appreciated Gilbert, I really enjoy these allegations from you."

"Glad I could help Trezlan."

"Anyway, I take life from others to keep my own going, I was very thankful even though this world seems to lack the magic of my world, my magic still works here, mostly. It's just a lot harder to do stuff like conjure fire."

"Conjure fire?"

"Yeah like this." Trezlan had a fire ball manifest in his hand for a brief moment before it disappeared. It surprised Clarissa to see like actual real magic.

"It's a parlor trick, you can see people on the vegas strip do the same thing."

"I highly doubt that Gilbert, people on the Vegas strip can't engulf their whole bodies in flame, well not do that and live for long after I should say."

"So are you unique where you come from? Or is it a planet full of necromancers?" Trezlan shivered at the thought of a planet of necromancers.

"No its just me, and one other person I hope to kill one day when I get back."

"Oh well good talk." Clarissa could see why Gilbert didn't like Trezlan. Gilbert could see in her face she had come to the correct position Trezlan was stupid and dangerous.

"Look he totally earned it ok, like if you knew Morley like I know Morley. Ok nevermind just drive on."


"And who's this asshole now?"

"Don't like start Garcia."

"Trezlan Lorentino I can explain my presence here..."