131.
"The universe hates me, there can be no other explanation of this." The city of Bend was empty, or translocated or not on this world as it existed. Trezlan didn't know for sure, he only knew his own dumbassery had once again screwed him. He'd been wandering around down town for what felt like a day and nothing had changed. Everything was empty, everyone was gone, and there was no way of leaving. Anytime Trezlan attempted to leave he'd return back to the town like he'd never attempted to escape. Bend was also immensely boring. The kind of place you accidentally stop in on the way to somewhere more interesting and woe be to you for stopping. Several rituals, lots of bloodletting, and even attempting to just burn the town down had failed to illicit a response. Trezlan was 100% stuck there, and now he had to hope for the one thing he didn't want initially, Gilbert to show up.
****
"Absolutely nothing in Bend."
"Well there has to be a town or something."
"I mean beyond that, no clubs, no activities, just some rando town in Oregon." Clarissa had looked it up on her phone. Gilbert figured there would be nothing, and he was proven right, just like most things in Oregon. The road to Bend was deserted. Just one long empty highway, this worried Gilbert more and more as they approached. He stopped when the GPS said they were twenty miles out.
"No traffic, either direction, its fucking spooky its midday."
"Well it is eastern Oregon."
"No this is unusual even for this part of a state. There should be someone coming or going, though I fear I noticed this too late, whatever is here has already gotten us. Look to the horizon and notice there is a vague fog in the distance? We're stuck here now."
"Shit."
"Don't worry this would happen eventually, this kind of shit tends to just exist in my life."
"Well its somewhat new to me Gilbert." Just then a car came speeding at them, Gilbert wondered if it had just been a slow day and they weren't trapped. Until the car stopped and Trezlan got out.
"OH THANK THE GODS YOU'RE HERE!"
****
"So that's where I'm at with all of this Gilbert." Trezlan had recounted everything he'd figured out up until that point.
"Impressive you've been here for hours and found out nothing Trezlan."
"Words hurt Gilbert."
"Would you two stop christ we've been here two days and you're still arguing." Clarissa's comment shook Trezlan and Gilbert, it had only be a few hours or so they thought.
"Clarissa what are you on about, we've been here less than an hour."
"Yeah I'd certainly remember arguing for two days."
"WE'VE LITERALLY HAD THIS CONVERSATION THE LAST TWO DAYS! LOOK AT YOURSELVES YOU'RE UNCLEAN SHAVEN!"
"There is no need to sh..." Clarissa yelled to the air and walked off, this conversation had played itself out several times over and it was driving her insane. Gilbert and Trezlan like a broken record went right back to what they'd been saying.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Friday, July 19, 2019
Concern Noted
130.
"You're not worried at all about what he did?" Gilbert and Clarissa were back in the van, Trezlan said he'd get an uber back up north. The missing person's group were cleaning up the the skin walkers. Gilbert felt very successful, yet not at all satisfied with the outcome.
"I mean my arm feels tingly, but I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm more concerned Trezlan Lorentino isn't just a liar like I'd thought of for years, that's going to hurt my ego."
"Gilbert I'm serious he used hard M magic on you."
"I'll be fine Clarissa really, its not even the first time I've been healed with weird shit, believe me, if anything that was one of the least intrusive versions of it."
"Fine be all Gilbert about it."
"What does being all Gilbert about something mean?"
"It's just that..." Clarissa was interrupted by Gilbert's phone was ringing, he figured it was probably Doris wondering when they'd be back, but he could see it was coming from Trezlan and he wanted to hang up.
"What?"
"Sorry to bother you I was on the way home with this lovely carriage driver when I was hit by a specific blend of memories from the walker skins, I won't go into why I have their memories, but I do. Anyway long story short those weren't the only things after you."
"Telling me shit I already know Trezlan."
"Well look at you Mr. Everyone wants to kill me, fine fine. Just stay out of Bend Oregon." Trezlan hung up at that. Gilbert looked at Clarissa who looked back equally bewildered.
"What's in Bend Oregon?" They both wondered as they drove into the night.
****
"I wouldn't worry about the dumb shit Trezlan says, he one time told me that I should watch out for an arms dealer named Hanlon and I looked the name up and aside from the name of a character in a western it was a nothing, on your left." It had been two days since Trezlan's warning, Clarissa and Gilbert were in a ware house exterminating "dire rats" which were rats the size of small dogs.
"But why warn you about bend, wouldn't that encourage you to visit bend?" Clarissa fired an arrow through one of the rats and skewered it head to tail.
"Why would I visit Oregon? I mean if I want to watch people confused by pumping gas I can watch videos on youtube."
"You just can't get over that can you?"
"Nope, and I never will." Dire rats were not much of an issue, almost the kind of thing you could call a regular exterminator for, if not for the hell portal they normally came from. You needed a real professional for that.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Close the hell portal."
"Well obviously, but beyond that?"
"Sleep? I don't care about Bend Oregon, and Trezlan's warning might as well be 'Don't visit the moon'."
"Fair enough when we wind up in Oregon don't say I didn't warn you."
****
Gilbert drove past the welcome to Oregon sign and Clarissa made a slight laugh.
"Don't say a fucking thing."
"You're not worried at all about what he did?" Gilbert and Clarissa were back in the van, Trezlan said he'd get an uber back up north. The missing person's group were cleaning up the the skin walkers. Gilbert felt very successful, yet not at all satisfied with the outcome.
"I mean my arm feels tingly, but I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm more concerned Trezlan Lorentino isn't just a liar like I'd thought of for years, that's going to hurt my ego."
"Gilbert I'm serious he used hard M magic on you."
"I'll be fine Clarissa really, its not even the first time I've been healed with weird shit, believe me, if anything that was one of the least intrusive versions of it."
"Fine be all Gilbert about it."
"What does being all Gilbert about something mean?"
"It's just that..." Clarissa was interrupted by Gilbert's phone was ringing, he figured it was probably Doris wondering when they'd be back, but he could see it was coming from Trezlan and he wanted to hang up.
"What?"
"Sorry to bother you I was on the way home with this lovely carriage driver when I was hit by a specific blend of memories from the walker skins, I won't go into why I have their memories, but I do. Anyway long story short those weren't the only things after you."
"Telling me shit I already know Trezlan."
"Well look at you Mr. Everyone wants to kill me, fine fine. Just stay out of Bend Oregon." Trezlan hung up at that. Gilbert looked at Clarissa who looked back equally bewildered.
"What's in Bend Oregon?" They both wondered as they drove into the night.
****
"I wouldn't worry about the dumb shit Trezlan says, he one time told me that I should watch out for an arms dealer named Hanlon and I looked the name up and aside from the name of a character in a western it was a nothing, on your left." It had been two days since Trezlan's warning, Clarissa and Gilbert were in a ware house exterminating "dire rats" which were rats the size of small dogs.
"But why warn you about bend, wouldn't that encourage you to visit bend?" Clarissa fired an arrow through one of the rats and skewered it head to tail.
"Why would I visit Oregon? I mean if I want to watch people confused by pumping gas I can watch videos on youtube."
"You just can't get over that can you?"
"Nope, and I never will." Dire rats were not much of an issue, almost the kind of thing you could call a regular exterminator for, if not for the hell portal they normally came from. You needed a real professional for that.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Close the hell portal."
"Well obviously, but beyond that?"
"Sleep? I don't care about Bend Oregon, and Trezlan's warning might as well be 'Don't visit the moon'."
"Fair enough when we wind up in Oregon don't say I didn't warn you."
****
Gilbert drove past the welcome to Oregon sign and Clarissa made a slight laugh.
"Don't say a fucking thing."
Friday, July 12, 2019
The Usefulness of the Useless
129.
"I'm still at a loss as to why I was punished with you." Gilbert and Trezlan had been paired up, Clarissa would go with the two missing person's detectives in a move Gilbert was still wondering how he agreed to it.
"You brought me, clearly they felt I should remain with you, well that and I don't do well with authority."
"You don't say."
"I do say, very often, so why are we in the woods looking for these walker skins?" Gilbert sighed, his arm was feeling numb from the injury earlier he was getting worried it was worse than he thought.
"Skin Walkers, and this is where they wanted us before, so..."
"So you think the best way to stop a trap is to walk right into it? Bold move, stupid but bold, though I guess you could be one of these walker skins things and just leading me into a trap, in which case that's stupid and stupid."
"Stupider than you just bringing that sword and none of the things you sold me that kill them?" Trezlan laughed, compared to how everyone else was dressed, his suit and light coat with the sword did seem out of place. The detectives had actually questioned what he was doing there.
"There is very little in this world my magic and this sword can't kill, Trust me Mr Dunkley I'm not using a stake like some kind of lesser person." Gilbert was about to ask what the lesser person crack meant when he heard an odd yowling. Trezlan heard it too, it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
"Well we know they know we're here."
"I hope you've got something actually planned Mr. Dunkley we're alone in the woods in a trap you specifically said they set for us."
"Was hoping I could just turn you over to them honestly."
"Ha that was my plan Mr. Dunkley." There were four of the skin walkers. They had emerged from the woods in partial human coyote form, their skin glistened unnaturally in the moon light. Gilbert guessed this was the extent of the pack after he and Clarissa had killed one earlier, which meant Trezlan and he would have to take on the rest of the pack.
"Give us Dunkley, and we'll let you live." The voice sounded gutteral and too high pitched, like the imitation of human speech Skin Walkers were known for.
"Sorry he's a paying customer, and you're a walker skin." Trezlan took up a posture with his sword, Gilbert took out the elk horn stake in his good hand and prepared for what he didn't know. He felt like this whole thing had gotten out of his hand and now he had to rely on either Clarissa and the detectives finding him or worse Trezlan not being a complete idiot. Gilbert feared death was certain. The four skin walkers spread out, surrounding Gilbert and Trezlan, and then slinked back into the forest temporarily. Gilbert and Trezlan both knew it was to attack where they couldn't see them.
"I'm open to ideas Trezlan."
"Is that you asking for my help?"
"Well you're here they are going to eat you too."
"Too true, these walker skins are kind of dumb though, who leaves a necromancer by himself before an attack?" Trezlan pulled the sword up into his hand and pulled it once slicing it open. Gilbert was going to ask what that would do, but then Trezlan spun around them in a circle and the blood seemed to float from his hand to the trees and ground around them in some form of magic circle. The walkers ran through his circle for what good it did, Trezlan did not seem at all concerned.
"Fool you think your attempt at magic can harm us?"
"Think? No, know? Yes." Gilbert feared he had trusted Trezlan to do something in the exact way that he'd get killed by an idiot, but the skin walkers didn't advance. They didn't move, they were stuck in place as if something was holding them there. "Go ahead Mr. Dunkley use your little stake on these creatures they can not move."
"What did you do to them?"
"A blood curse, they crossed the circle uninvited and were detained." Gilbert moved from one of the skin walkers to the other with ease killing them with a shove of the stake. When he got to the last one Trezlan held his hand.
"Trezlan I don't know if your blood curse will keep them here forever."
"It won't, but one moment." Trezlan put his hand on the creature and then touched Gilbert, the pain in Gilbert shoulder got intense, like a searing burning pain, and then it was gone, his shoulder was fixed. The creature shriveled like an Indiana Jones villain, turning to dust as it fell.
"What was that?"
"Something you probably don't want to know about, but your shoulder is fixed you're welcome." Gilbert didn't like what he did, but he couldn't argue with the results.
"So you have a use after all Trezlan."
"Shhh don't tell anyone or I'll be so hassled on this world I'll have to go to another one."
"I'm still at a loss as to why I was punished with you." Gilbert and Trezlan had been paired up, Clarissa would go with the two missing person's detectives in a move Gilbert was still wondering how he agreed to it.
"You brought me, clearly they felt I should remain with you, well that and I don't do well with authority."
"You don't say."
"I do say, very often, so why are we in the woods looking for these walker skins?" Gilbert sighed, his arm was feeling numb from the injury earlier he was getting worried it was worse than he thought.
"Skin Walkers, and this is where they wanted us before, so..."
"So you think the best way to stop a trap is to walk right into it? Bold move, stupid but bold, though I guess you could be one of these walker skins things and just leading me into a trap, in which case that's stupid and stupid."
"Stupider than you just bringing that sword and none of the things you sold me that kill them?" Trezlan laughed, compared to how everyone else was dressed, his suit and light coat with the sword did seem out of place. The detectives had actually questioned what he was doing there.
"There is very little in this world my magic and this sword can't kill, Trust me Mr Dunkley I'm not using a stake like some kind of lesser person." Gilbert was about to ask what the lesser person crack meant when he heard an odd yowling. Trezlan heard it too, it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
"Well we know they know we're here."
"I hope you've got something actually planned Mr. Dunkley we're alone in the woods in a trap you specifically said they set for us."
"Was hoping I could just turn you over to them honestly."
"Ha that was my plan Mr. Dunkley." There were four of the skin walkers. They had emerged from the woods in partial human coyote form, their skin glistened unnaturally in the moon light. Gilbert guessed this was the extent of the pack after he and Clarissa had killed one earlier, which meant Trezlan and he would have to take on the rest of the pack.
"Give us Dunkley, and we'll let you live." The voice sounded gutteral and too high pitched, like the imitation of human speech Skin Walkers were known for.
"Sorry he's a paying customer, and you're a walker skin." Trezlan took up a posture with his sword, Gilbert took out the elk horn stake in his good hand and prepared for what he didn't know. He felt like this whole thing had gotten out of his hand and now he had to rely on either Clarissa and the detectives finding him or worse Trezlan not being a complete idiot. Gilbert feared death was certain. The four skin walkers spread out, surrounding Gilbert and Trezlan, and then slinked back into the forest temporarily. Gilbert and Trezlan both knew it was to attack where they couldn't see them.
"I'm open to ideas Trezlan."
"Is that you asking for my help?"
"Well you're here they are going to eat you too."
"Too true, these walker skins are kind of dumb though, who leaves a necromancer by himself before an attack?" Trezlan pulled the sword up into his hand and pulled it once slicing it open. Gilbert was going to ask what that would do, but then Trezlan spun around them in a circle and the blood seemed to float from his hand to the trees and ground around them in some form of magic circle. The walkers ran through his circle for what good it did, Trezlan did not seem at all concerned.
"Fool you think your attempt at magic can harm us?"
"Think? No, know? Yes." Gilbert feared he had trusted Trezlan to do something in the exact way that he'd get killed by an idiot, but the skin walkers didn't advance. They didn't move, they were stuck in place as if something was holding them there. "Go ahead Mr. Dunkley use your little stake on these creatures they can not move."
"What did you do to them?"
"A blood curse, they crossed the circle uninvited and were detained." Gilbert moved from one of the skin walkers to the other with ease killing them with a shove of the stake. When he got to the last one Trezlan held his hand.
"Trezlan I don't know if your blood curse will keep them here forever."
"It won't, but one moment." Trezlan put his hand on the creature and then touched Gilbert, the pain in Gilbert shoulder got intense, like a searing burning pain, and then it was gone, his shoulder was fixed. The creature shriveled like an Indiana Jones villain, turning to dust as it fell.
"What was that?"
"Something you probably don't want to know about, but your shoulder is fixed you're welcome." Gilbert didn't like what he did, but he couldn't argue with the results.
"So you have a use after all Trezlan."
"Shhh don't tell anyone or I'll be so hassled on this world I'll have to go to another one."
Friday, July 5, 2019
The Worst Help From the Worst Person
128.
"This van smells bad."
"No one invited you!" Clarissa and Gilbert said it in unison. They'd been driving for thirty minutes and twenty nine of those minutes was Trezlan complaining.
"Rude of both of you to attack me like that when I'm providing my extensive experience in aiding you on this adventure."
"You bribed your way onto this adventure Trezlan." Gilbert thought to himself he should never have agreed. A thought that kept repeating itself to him.
"What even are you anyway?" Gilbert wanted to tell Clarissa what she just asked was the worst question to ask, but it was too late, he could hear the inhale of breath from Trezlan.
"Well since you asked unlike your rude employer. I come from a land your gutteral tongue can't pronounce so I shall not try. I arrived here mostly on accident, I had been adventuring myself in a cave when a portal opened and deposited me here several hundred years ago." Clarissa looked to Gilbert who shook his head in a 'this guy is full of shit' sort of way.
"So you're hundreds of years old?"
"Several hundreds of years, I'm a necromancer, I keep my life force going by taking from others."
"Just to let you know Clarissa he's some kind of something, but between his bullshit and lies I haven't been able to tell specifically what he is other than stupid and dangerous."
"You're contributions to my story is appreciated Gilbert, I really enjoy these allegations from you."
"Glad I could help Trezlan."
"Anyway, I take life from others to keep my own going, I was very thankful even though this world seems to lack the magic of my world, my magic still works here, mostly. It's just a lot harder to do stuff like conjure fire."
"Conjure fire?"
"Yeah like this." Trezlan had a fire ball manifest in his hand for a brief moment before it disappeared. It surprised Clarissa to see like actual real magic.
"It's a parlor trick, you can see people on the vegas strip do the same thing."
"I highly doubt that Gilbert, people on the Vegas strip can't engulf their whole bodies in flame, well not do that and live for long after I should say."
"So are you unique where you come from? Or is it a planet full of necromancers?" Trezlan shivered at the thought of a planet of necromancers.
"No its just me, and one other person I hope to kill one day when I get back."
"Oh well good talk." Clarissa could see why Gilbert didn't like Trezlan. Gilbert could see in her face she had come to the correct position Trezlan was stupid and dangerous.
"Look he totally earned it ok, like if you knew Morley like I know Morley. Ok nevermind just drive on."
****
"And who's this asshole now?"
"Don't like start Garcia."
"Trezlan Lorentino I can explain my presence here..."
"This van smells bad."
"No one invited you!" Clarissa and Gilbert said it in unison. They'd been driving for thirty minutes and twenty nine of those minutes was Trezlan complaining.
"Rude of both of you to attack me like that when I'm providing my extensive experience in aiding you on this adventure."
"You bribed your way onto this adventure Trezlan." Gilbert thought to himself he should never have agreed. A thought that kept repeating itself to him.
"What even are you anyway?" Gilbert wanted to tell Clarissa what she just asked was the worst question to ask, but it was too late, he could hear the inhale of breath from Trezlan.
"Well since you asked unlike your rude employer. I come from a land your gutteral tongue can't pronounce so I shall not try. I arrived here mostly on accident, I had been adventuring myself in a cave when a portal opened and deposited me here several hundred years ago." Clarissa looked to Gilbert who shook his head in a 'this guy is full of shit' sort of way.
"So you're hundreds of years old?"
"Several hundreds of years, I'm a necromancer, I keep my life force going by taking from others."
"Just to let you know Clarissa he's some kind of something, but between his bullshit and lies I haven't been able to tell specifically what he is other than stupid and dangerous."
"You're contributions to my story is appreciated Gilbert, I really enjoy these allegations from you."
"Glad I could help Trezlan."
"Anyway, I take life from others to keep my own going, I was very thankful even though this world seems to lack the magic of my world, my magic still works here, mostly. It's just a lot harder to do stuff like conjure fire."
"Conjure fire?"
"Yeah like this." Trezlan had a fire ball manifest in his hand for a brief moment before it disappeared. It surprised Clarissa to see like actual real magic.
"It's a parlor trick, you can see people on the vegas strip do the same thing."
"I highly doubt that Gilbert, people on the Vegas strip can't engulf their whole bodies in flame, well not do that and live for long after I should say."
"So are you unique where you come from? Or is it a planet full of necromancers?" Trezlan shivered at the thought of a planet of necromancers.
"No its just me, and one other person I hope to kill one day when I get back."
"Oh well good talk." Clarissa could see why Gilbert didn't like Trezlan. Gilbert could see in her face she had come to the correct position Trezlan was stupid and dangerous.
"Look he totally earned it ok, like if you knew Morley like I know Morley. Ok nevermind just drive on."
****
"And who's this asshole now?"
"Don't like start Garcia."
"Trezlan Lorentino I can explain my presence here..."
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